Lessons to Learn from a Nasty Split(Turning a Bad Break up into a several Mini-Breakthroughs )

You tried the best way you could to make the union work. But alas, the relationship turned ugly. He screamed, you cried, you screamed some more. Perhaps, the break-up dragged on and on for months - you split so many times, you now can't stand the sight of one another. Or maybe he dumped you. Either way, it's finally over and it hurts... a lot.

A bad break-up has to be acknowledged as a death of sorts. Someone you were deeply attached to is no longer going to be in your life and frankly you don't yet know how you are going to cope. But with death comes new life. And as much as it pains you, separating doesn't have to be a negative thing. Ultimately, if you learn from your foibles, you have more of a chance of happiness in your next relationship.

When the going gets tough, here are some tips to empower you.

Break-up Means Break Up

At night, when you are missing that warm familiar body and you desperately want to reconcile, remember the reasons why you resigned from the relationship in the first place. You may be in pain now, but you weren't you also in pain during the relationship? Bear in mind the points of contention: you couldn't communicate in a constructive way, he had an explosive temper; you exhausted your energy in petty squabbles; you hated that he had to swig back a few drinks every night. Whatever. Keep those reasons in plain view. Write them down if you have to.

"Mismatched people are akin to square pegs in round holes. There's no such thing as a pair of happy misfits," affirms Marc H. Rudov, author of The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women. There's a good reason you broke up, and in the long run, you will be better off to pursue a more suitable relationship. Every thing happens for a reason. Believe, breathe and Let Go.

Sailing Solo is Okay!

You no longer have a lover for by your side, but you will survive. It's better to be alone than to be in an un-nurturing relationship. Did you become co-dependant along the way? Look within and remember your inner strength. To truly love you and be self-content is the only sure way to have a thriving partnership. You don't need another person to make you feel whole. You have to be your own individual. Finding a partner then becomes the icing and not the cake.

Now that you're newly single, establish a relationship with yourself. Put yourself out there even when you don't feel like it. It's hard but it's called Contrary Action. Open your mind to new things rather than engaging in old, knee-jerk behavior. This is the time to change bad habits. Develop positive attributes in yourself - the kind you want to see in the next person with whom you will explore a relationship.

Spin, Wash, But don't Repeat

Take the wisdom you have gotten and make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes you may have made. For that matter, be mindful to not attract another person who may not be the best for you. i.e: Do you have a habit of choosing someone who is a control freak, substance abuser etc.? Visualize what you want in a person because we all have the power to manifest. It's no accident that you attracted your ex to begin with. Ask yourself, "why?" What did you learn? It's because of your ex that you now have a better idea of what you like and what you want. Thank them silently for this! And when you do meet someone new, trust your gut instincts. If it doesn't feel right, don't ignore those gut feelings! Acknowledge the red flags damn it! For instance, if the hot guy with the piercing blue eyes feels like a rebound - make it absolutely clear with yourself (and even him), lest you find yourself in another dead-end relationship. Learn from your mistakes and you move towards success!!!

It's your party, pity yourself if you want to.

Give in to the grief and let yourself feel your feelings. While you do mourn, put away all mementos and photos until you have dealt with your grief. Closure is the goal, but if you want to achieve this you must make sure that you don't repress any feelings. If you do, you won't be emotionally available for the next person. A symbolic gesture can be a start toward accomplishing this goal. For instance, a friend of mine, who was livid that her husband left her for a younger woman, decided to write her ex a letter. She didn't send it, the point was to get it all out. In the end, she ripped the letter to shreds and flushed him, I mean, it down the toilet. Miraculously she also got rid of some of his hold on her.

Know Thyself.

Understanding your romantic patterns is one piece of the puzzle. Another is to understand yourself and what's important to you. Take an honest look at Yourself. This is an opportunity to look at your emotional baggage, like fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy and of course, fear of rejection. "By just being aware of what went wrong and what was right with your relationship, you can use these new perceptions to prevent future relationship problems with someone else," says Debbie Mandel, M.A. and author of Turn On Your Inner Light and Changing Habits. . The key to finding the right person is to be the right person.

If you've experienced a few break-ups too many - Take heart! The more you date, the more you increase the probability of meeting the right person.

What Men Want to Hear...(Affairs of the Heart Matter to them too)

We often hear or read about what women want, what women want to hear or the dozens of other variations of how to please or appease a women's needs. But what about men? We rarely read about what men want to hear from women. Women often question men's emotional needs and frequently reduce the essence of men to having one thing on their minds, all the time! Evolutionary psychology has proven otherwise.

Men have emotional needs too, albeit not as much as women. Before we consider what your man would like to hear from you, let's first consider the most vital key to proper communication; effective listening. Although we're discussing what your man wants to hear from you, we also want to ensure that when your man does communicate - even though it may be on rare occasions - that you're able to detect what he truly wants to hear from you. As the saying goes, God gave all of us two ears and a single mouth so that we may hear twice as much as we speak! Effective listening will enable you to pick up on those warning signs that his emotional needs are not being met.

Women, you often ask your men to be more in touch with their emotional side, so here ya go! Here are five things your man wants to hear from you!

"I'll support you in any endeavor you choose."

We've all heard the saying: Behind every good man, there's an even greater woman. Well, we're not insisting you stay behind your man, but as the song goes, "Stand by your Man," that's all we ask. Support us in what we set out to accomplish and you'll be amazed at what we can do when a woman we love dearly accepts and encourages us in every which way. This segue ways into the next thing we'd love to hear from a woman.
"I accept you and all that you are... and I do mean all!"Acceptance from a loved one outside of our immediate family, for many of us, is the essence of a romantic linkage, and yet many relationships fail for this very reason, due to couples not accepting each other in every shape or form. Don't try and change your man. Accept him for who he is, or move onto someone more compatible. Thinking of him as a pet-project to place your passion into molding him will only drive him away, whether it's emotionally (likely to occur first) or physically.

"We are a team, baby!"

A romantic connection, much like any other relationship, should be built upon the foundations of solid communications, mutual missions and a shared vision. It's a tough world out there, and yet it only seems to get increasingly tougher. Just because we're men doesn't mean every ounce of burden should be placed upon us, even though at times we insist it! Sometimes, we simply want to hear you say things that elicit an intangible bond, which if shaped properly, is unbreakable.

"You are hot (and I mean it)!"

Let's face it - everyone - men and women love to get checked out, and getting checked out and being reassured that not only have you been checked out but the beholder endorses you with a resounding stamp of approval, feels great! In fact, it's a feeling unlike many others… and when a random, spontaneous statement such as, "Babe, you look hot today," is often much better than the ubiquitous, "I love you," or the heaven forbid humdrum line of, "You look good."

"I love you no matter what."

Hearing the words "I love you" from the (special some) one you love has become expected. It's common and over-usage has, in some contexts, made it a loaded phrase. Do all who use the phrase truly know its implications? Or have our standards of love lessened in these harrowing global times? Society projects many roles men must follow and fit into, or at least are implied. We're forced to make grand attempts and take major risks. We feel the need to do all these things, and somewhere in the back of our minds, is the possibility of failure. Most men - scratch that - anyone would want to hear, from their loved ones, that they will be loved no matter what the outcome of any given situation is. Even if they have failed. This is the hallmark of unconditional love... the truest and arguably the only form of love.

From a woman's perspective within the context of her current relationship, many of these may be tough to say genuinely, and yet the thought of saying them may very well be a test to determine whether your current relationship is as significant as you thought.

Smashing the Green-Eyed Monster (Three questions to help you handle jealousy )

When love is mixed with fear it creates one of the most powerful emotions on earth: jealousy. Here are three questions to ask yourself that will help you handle your jealousy and become a more loving, trusting person.

Why am I jealous?

When you're trying to handle your own jealousy, the first thing to consider is why you're feeling jealous. Did something happen to cause your jealousy, or are you struggling with irrational emotions rather than a current situation? Do you have trust issues with your partner? Or are your jealous tendencies leftover from a previous relationship? Maybe you have issues with trusting yourself that you are projecting on him.

If your partner did something that made you question his trustworthiness, address that situation specifically. Otherwise, take a look at the patterns in your life that have caused your trust issues. Address those issues and you'll be less likely to drag them into an otherwise happy relationship.

How am I communicating my jealousy?

The next step is to question how you're communicating your feelings of jealousy with your partner. Do you quietly repress your feelings - but secretly let resentment towards him grow in your heart? Do you throw accusations at him and threaten to leave? Or maybe breakdown in tears and beg him not to leave you.

It's important to use positive communication techniques to let your partner know when he does something that hurts your feelings and makes you feel jealous. Pick a time when you can communicate in a calm, safe way and use "I" statements like, "I feel jealous when you have lunch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I feel jealous when you chat with women online."

What actions am I taking because of my jealousy?

The next step is to begin paying attention to what actions you're taking as a result of your jealous feelings. When you start feeling jealous, how do you react? Do you snoop through his e-mail and check his cell phone records? Maybe you throw a tantrum and confront him with unfounded accusations of cheating?

Whether you realize it or not, reacting to jealousy this way will only leave you with more fear and frustration. In a way, your goal is to find something incriminating, so in that sense you will only be "satisfied" if you find proof he's been dishonest.

Stop the cycle.The more you act out of jealousy, the more you create that negative cycle of fear and frustration. Of course it's important to pay attention if your partner is acting suspiciously, but at the end of the day your jealous behavior is not going to keep him from cheating - and in some cases, it may even encourage it.

If you truly want to let go of jealousy, you must also let go of the idea that you can control someone through love. Just as love is a risk, trust is a choice. Each time you decide not to snoop or pry, you make a choice to become a more loving, trusting partner.

Love or Lust? (How to tell the difference)

Ok, you know you like him. You really, really like him. But your raging hormones have left your head (and your heart) spinning. Is it love at first sight or just a temporary overload of the pituitary gland? Deciding whether your feelings are the product of cupid's arrow or your garden variety crush isn't always as easy as you might think (especially since some of the same hormones that trigger lust are involved in falling in love). And when you're caught in the throws of one of those L-words it can help to ask yourself a few key questions when deciding which one.

Something to talk about

Do you want everyone to know about him? It could be lust. Want everyone to know her? We might be talking love. While we can't stop talking (or thinking) about any new flame, it's a good sign that you're headed for the real thing when you want your friends and family to get more than a dose of her charm or a glimpse of his biceps. As social creatures, we're inclined to weave our contacts into networks or tribes. It doesn't make a lot of sense to invite your eye-candy into that circle, particularly if the only thing that draws you to that person is sex appeal. Those contacts are usually temporary, and on some level you know that. They don't belong in your core social network and as much time as you may spend with your object of lust, it's not comfortable to welcome them there. When you're falling in love, however, you're struck with the persistent notion that everyone you know should love your beloved, too. He or she has become a real part of you and it's only natural to want to imbed that partner deeply into your tribe.

The test of time

Powerful lust is intoxicating, and it can feel very much like being in love. But lust is the hundred meter dash to love's marathon. The adrenaline rush alone can make you feel like it will last forever, but most of the time those feelings play themselves out long before the distance finish. Whether you're positive it's only a fling or certain you're headed for long-term romance, take your time before making that call. Love at first sight looks a lot like lust once you've spent your second wind.

Perchance to dream

Find yourself daydreaming about your someone at odd moments? Of course you do! Whether we're talking about a hot date or your soul mate, those thoughts are likely to take up a good portion of your idle time, and some of your not-so-idle time, as well. But pay attention to the way you dream about him or her, and you might find a clue to the root of your attachment. Lustful fantasies are fair game for all attractions, of course (It's not like we stop thinking about sex once we start getting serious), and those newly infatuated dream up all kinds of emotionally charged scenarios. You might find yourself running to her imaginary rescue or comforting him though a fictional crisis. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to read into what those mean -- daydreams are wish fulfillments for feeling admired, powerful, needed, appreciated or forgiving and can be excellent clues as to what you crave from another person. So, when your dreams start telling you that what you wish for is love, take heed. It could be in the conversations you have, in daydreams about the future or about quiet nights at home, but it will be about what love means to you. When your fantasies start getting deeper, it's a solid clue that your feelings have, as well.

Turning the tables

Can lust turn into love? Actually, this is very often exactly how it works. Lust isn't just nature's way of encouraging us to reproduce, it gives way to a bond designed for lasting companionship, a partnership for survival and a team equipped to raise and nurture children. The hormones involved in sexual attraction, touch and orgasm facilitate those bonds, which is how it's possible for a casual partner to transform into someone we want around when the lights are on, too. And because we are more than a cocktail of hormones and impulses, we also invite our brains into the mix of influences. If we genuinely like that person on an intellectual level, we begin to think alike and to value the perspective of those we once saw only through lustful eyes.

The reality is there's no one point in which lust magically transforms into the stuff of fairy tales. It's not a threshold event, but a wide spectrum from base sexual attraction to trusting, lasting partnership. Sometimes we move along it quietly; sometimes the transformation is shocking and thunderous, and yes, sometimes our feelings never move forward at all. I guess that's why no matter how many times you've fallen in love, it's still hard to recognize when it comes along again. It also explains how each new connection can be so scary, so exciting and so reliably unpredictable.

Unmask That Man!..(Three signals you might be misreading)

Just when it starts to seem like men and women are not really so different, he manages to utterly confound you -- without the slightest notion that he's being confounding! When it comes to relating to one another, we really do speak different languages. But he doesn't have to be a mystery. With a little patience, it is possible to translate that baffling behavior and find some insight into the man behind the mask.

Pulling a Houdini
Everything is going great, and is headed for incredible, when he suddenly and inexplicably disappears. He backs off for a few days or weeks, calls infrequently and becomes difficult to reach. Sometimes he disappears before your eyes; he's physically present but feels distant and unreachable. Then, just as suddenly, he's back, and possibly more enthusiastic about you and your relationship than ever. Infuriating, right? Men have a tendency to retreat now and then, especially when things are beginning to get close. Since women tend to have the opposite reaction, they're often (and understandably) confused or put off by his distance. It doesn't mean he's changed his mind or even that he's uneasy about getting too close; just that he needs time to himself after sharing so much of his time and himself with another person. Be patient. He'll come back around. The more accepting you can be of his retreat, the better (unless you think he's lying to you/hiding something, in which case, see "Smooth Talking" below). You can take advantage of the chance to get some of your own "me time," and let him be the one to realize he wants to be closer again. When he materializes again, he probably won't even realize he was ever scarce.

Smooth Talking
He gives the best compliments, is open and articulate and whispers beautiful words about how he feels about you, but he somehow leaves you feeling less than essential when he spends time with other women and can't seem to make any real time for you. Maybe smooth isn't the right word, because this guy can just as easily be sweetly awkward about saying exactly what you want to hear. The dangerous part is that he probably isn't even aware that he's doing it. Many men deceive women because they've become masters at deceiving themselves; he may actually believe he's the most sensitive and dedicated guy in the world, right up until he dedicates himself to someone else. So how do you know when his words are sincere? Don't listen to them. Listen to his actions: they speak volumes, and they never lie -- even to themselves.

Mr. Fix-it
You've come home from a difficult day, or maybe you're grappling with an old dilemma. It could be frustration with a friend, disappointment at work or a more general insecurity. Naturally, you seek comfort in your significant other, but before you can finish, he launches into a 5-point plan on how to rethink, modify and correct all your woes. Was he even listening? You're already upset; why the lecture? He means well, but his instinctive need to "fix" everything can come off insensitive and condescending.

Men hear your impulse to vent or share as a plea for help, and because he cares he wants to make it better. He doesn't understand that what you really need is to be heard and understood. Communicating stressful situations accomplishes real purposes for women; it's how we mentally process a problem and how we bond. It also triggers a release of calming hormones that prepares us to accept disappointment or decide on a course of action. When you really do just need an ear to lean on, it's a good idea to preempt his suggestions with a preface like, "I'm not looking for answers; I just really need to talk to someone." In the meantime, try to hear his advice as what it is: his way of reaching out to you.

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